Transformation After Divorce – with Jasmine Rice
What do you do when you face a divorce? First and foremost, you need to trust that good things are gonna come. Having gone through a divorce herself, Jasmine Rice, a Life Coach and Founder of Good Things Are Gonna Come, helps her clients to restore a lost connection with their authentic self.
Jasmine Rice is a voice for empowerment through divorce, and this is her story.
[2:14] Create your own life after divorce
[5:35] True partnership
[10:56] Fear of the unknown
[16:46] Letting go of the past so the future clears up
[21:26] Upbringing influence in a marriage
[24:18] Free e-book 7 Self-Care Tips You Know You Should Be Doing But Aren’t
[27:07] Message to the past self
[28:00] Message from the future self
Find out more about Jasmine Rice
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Victoria Rader [00:00:02] In the world of many internal and external voices, the voice you listen to is the voice that dictates your life, would you like to discover a clear path to a life of freedom and fulfillment? Then welcome to All Aboard The Voice podcast, where we focus on awareness, alignment and action in order to live a life of abundance. I am your host, Victoria Rader.
Victoria Rader [00:00:28] What do you do when you face a divorce? First and foremost, you need to trust that good things are going to come. Having gone through a divorce herself, Jasmine Rice, a life coach and founder of Good Things Are Going to Come, helps her clients to restore a lost connection with their authentic self. Here’s Jasmine, a voice for empowerment through a divorce. All right, and here with me today is amazing, Jasmine Ries, Jasmine, welcome, welcome to All About the Voice podcast.
Jasmine Rice [00:01:01] Thank you. Thank you so much for having me today.
Victoria Rader [00:01:03] Now, Jasmine, tell me a little bit about your story. How did you become a life coach and NLP practitioner?
Jasmine Rice [00:01:11] Yeah, this was not something that I grew up thinking that I was going to be for sure. I went into school for psychology, and when I graduated college, I actually fell into the world of nonprofit work, and I was in nonprofit for about 18 years, and a lot of things happened all at once. I went through a divorce and about six months later I lost my job, and then everything happening at once gave me time to reflect on what it was that I really wanted to do with my life at that point. I did not want to go back to school, but I thought I could still use some of my psychology training and move forward with coaching. I had used a life coach when I was going through some of those challenging transitions, such as my divorce and my job loss. And I wanted to help people as a life coach. I loved working with the life coach that I had, but I wanted to be able to help those that were going through other challenging transitions in their life.
Victoria Rader [00:02:14] That’s phenomenal, and it sounds like you’ve done just that. Having published a book, I understand Create your own life recipe after divorce. I want to peek into that book. What is the book about?
Jasmine Rice [00:02:27] So this is a book that I wrote following my blogs. I started blogging after my divorce just as a way to kind of get my story out there, and it was more or less kind of a diary for myself that I was sharing with the world, and I had positive responses from people. People were commenting and emailing me, saying they could relate to me. And I wanted to take that a step further. And also for those that couldn’t afford to work with me one on one as a coaching client. This was another opportunity for me to help people. And really, it’s a book that I wish I would have had going through my divorce because I was obsessed with reading different types of self-help books. And I felt like they were contradicting themselves. One would tell me that this was the way you needed to overcome a divorce, and the other one would say this was the way you needed to go overcome a divorce. And I really believe there’s not a one size fits all approach to anything in life, and that includes recovering from a traumatic event or a divorce or job loss. So this is really you get to kind of pick and choose what’s going to work for you as you’re going through transitions in your life.
Victoria Rader [00:03:35] I’m sure the book is much needed today. And you know, we see the divorce numbers are escalating and rising, and each story, I’m sure, has an individual beginning and ending to it and whatever happened in those three dots in between. I know that in your story you’ve mentioned when you were kind of going through the podcast pre-interview that you wished, you listened to that inner inkling, the inner voice a little bit more in your journey. So tell me about that particular story of getting married, going through that marriage, how long it was and what was that voice that maybe you’ve heard and chose not to listen to in any way?
Jasmine Rice [00:04:21] I met my high school sweetheart when I was 15, and then we started dating when I was 17 and we got married. And so I had been with him since I was a child and we were married 14 years later. It ended in divorce, so we were together for a total of twenty three years and it was all I knew. I grew up with this person. He was all I knew. He was even sort of kind of a father figure to me because he helped take care of me. And looking back after the divorce happened, I realized there were so many things that weren’t necessarily awful in the marriage, but the communication was wrong. There were times when we were more or less like roommates than partners, and we had very, very different lives, very separate lives. And even though we were codependent on each other, it wasn’t a true partnership and I didn’t notice that until I was divorced and I could look back on that. But there were times when, you know, my gut told me that, you know, something doesn’t feel right here. Something needs to change. And even though we tried couples therapy, in the end, it was the best for divorce.
Victoria Rader [00:05:35] So what would you define to be their true partnership?
Jasmine Rice [00:05:38] Well, number one is communication. I think you have to be able to openly and honestly communicate with somebody on a daily basis and then trust. If there’s not trust in a relationship, it’s not going to be successful. I would say that the number one is honest, open communication, and I really believe that for almost any relationship, not just a partnership or a marriage.
Victoria Rader [00:06:00] Yeah, absolutely. I couldn’t agree more. And you know, I’m thinking you’re mentioning trust, and I think it’s a two level trust where, yes, you trust the other person. But I think in the beginning, you kind of learn to trust yourself, you know, because very often we are not sure what we want and the other person fails to deliver what it is that we are not sure that we want in the first place. So how has that played out in your particular story?
Jasmine Rice [00:06:28] Well definitely agree that trusting yourself. I honestly didn’t know how to trust myself. I didn’t know who I was. I was again, 17 when I met this person and started dating and we became almost one more or less and not an individuals. We weren’t having our individual lives, so I didn’t really know myself, so I wasn’t really able to trust myself. And even though the divorce was one of the most challenging things I have ever gone through in my life, I finally was able to find out who I was and really began to trust myself.
Victoria Rader [00:07:05] Hmm. You know, I have a friend actually, who’s been married to her first husband for a very long time, and he struggled with addiction. And she said, You know, every day I kind of pray to no stay or go or stay or go or stay or go and just couldn’t find that solution, that inner peace. And she said that one morning I woke up with a very clear understanding that I’ve done all I could and it was time to go. She said the benefit of staying that long in the relationship was for that one morning to know that it was complete, that there was nothing that could be done and it gave her this kind of permission, inner permission to feel free. Do you relate to that? Or what would be your advice to somebody who in that twilight? You know, Twilight Zone? Should I stay or should I go?
Jasmine Rice [00:07:59] I think it’s very admirable that she was able to wake up and feel that because I think the fear keeps so many people from leaving a relationship or a marriage, even though they know it might be the best thing for them. Fear really controls us. I know for me that is what kept me in my marriage for longer than probably I should have been was I was so afraid to be alone. I didn’t know what my life was going to look like. And I think that’s what keeps so many people in toxic situations or in unhealthy situations is that fear of the unknown. Hmm.
Victoria Rader [00:08:36] So at least you’ve mentioned to ride the fear of the unknown and the fear of being alone. Wow. You know, just those are two global fears. But I think if you are in a relationship, you assume that somehow there is a certainty, even if it’s a very low frequency relationship, there’s a certainty of that. And so. Talk to me about each one of them a little bit. How did you personally overcome that fear first of being alone? And then we’ll talk about the unknown?
Jasmine Rice [00:09:05] Well, I was kind of again forced into the divorce. It was unexpected and it happened. So the fear was there, even the day I signed the divorce papers going home to my apartment. There was so much fear on what’s next and that fear of being alone and not having someone to be my partner by my side was scary. I think as humans, we naturally want a partnership. It’s just human nature for us to want to have a companion and being alone is great. I think that we all love our alone time. I think we should love our alone time and. But wanting to have a partner is not a bad thing, either. I definitely really enjoyed my alone time now that I have been divorced for three years and I’ve got to know myself a lot better. But that doesn’t mean that wanting companionship is bad either. I think there’s definitely a balance between the two. I think that’s a lot of the times why divorce happens or marriages aren’t successful is because we lose ourselves so much in that marriage. We lose our individual selves because it becomes more of just the partnership rather than two individuals creating the partnership.
Victoria Rader [00:10:16] Hmm. Fascinating. And you know, I’m thinking that in some ways, I think you become alone first. You know, you become alone in the relationship first and that it dissolves because I think there’s a big difference between lonely and being alone. And so I think for a lot of the couples that choose to go a separate way or maybe are kicked into going the separate way in the beginning, that that’s kind of kickstart is that loneliness is there even as there is a partnership.I think it is important for all of us to know the difference between the two and that that there is a real fulfillment in being alone without being lonely. And that you can have it, whether you are married or whether you are single. So that’s beautiful. How about the unknown? How does one with and I’m hoping that you can talk to, you know, that one person who is just going through a divorce or is just gotten over it and they are experiencing acutely this fear of being alone and the fear of unknown ahead of them. What would be your advice to them right now?
Jasmine Rice [00:11:19] Well, when you think of that, when you were a child, we often plan our lives. From that time, we think of growing up and going to college and getting married and having a job and kids and we plan our lives, our whole lives. We really do that. So even though we have a plan in our life, it very rarely happens that way. So trying to prepare yourself for the unknown or the unexpected in little ways can help when big things happen in your life. And I learned that again going through my marriage, my divorce, which I try to help people now who are navigating that if you can start to prepare yourself for some of those little unknowns. It doesn’t stop the I don’t know the fear that can come along with those unexpected changes that happen, but it can lessen them just a little bit. So I would say that embracing the unknown is very brave and it’s hard to do. It takes practice to do that. But I was forced to do that going into a divorce. I didn’t know what to expect. And rather than looking at that with fear, I decided to look at that with excitement. And I know that sounds a little strange, but I tried to look at those things that now I was able to do that I wasn’t able to do, perhaps in my marriage. So I didn’t have to ask permission to do specific things if I wanted to go on a trip. I could go on a trip and that was up to me to do that. I remember specifically one time after the divorce, my very first vacation that I took by myself, a solo vacation. It was very challenging and healing. There were a lot of tears along that, but there was a waterfall that I drove by. I wanted a photo of it. And back when I was married, my ex-husband would not have gone around, stopped and turned around so I could take a photo of it. I kept driving until I found an exit so I could pull off, go back and take a photo of it. Little things like that made a difference for me and helped me realize that those were the things that were going to help me move forward with this unexpected unknown. I didn’t know what it was going to be. I didn’t know what life was going to look like. I still don’t. I still know exactly what my life’s going to be, but it’s helping me embrace the future in a way that’s more excitement rather than fear.
Victoria Rader [00:13:43] I love that, you know, and they say that the receptors, obviously for nervousness and anxiety, are the same receptors of the body in the brain processes that are for excitement. So you were there knowingly or intuitively or both have managed to master that, you know, so when you feel anxious, you can just translated to, OK, I’m being excited, I’m being excited. And I think, you know, I think Tony Robbins talks about the two basic human needs. He talks about six, but the first two he talks about is certainty and uncertainty. And I think that fear of uncertainty is such a deep, deep, deep rooted human fear. And when you understand that you can have a false premise of being certain about something, but we’re not, Covid tried to teach us that I think is still trying to teach us that nothing is certain, but your choice to be excited about every moment you’re given and try to get the best out of every moment. So now you’re working, I assume with clients that, well, actually, I should ask you that to not make an assumption. What are some of the clients that you work with? What stage of divorce are they at? Are they’re getting ready to go through divorce? Have they just divorced? Who are your ideal clients that you’re helping?
Jasmine Rice [00:14:57] So honestly, it doesn’t matter where they are at in the stage of their divorce. It matters that where they are in their stage of grief, because if they are still in the denial, anger, bargaining depression stages, it doesn’t mean that they can’t work with the coach, but they might benefit more by working with a therapist or still relying on their personal support network. A coach is really going to be the person that you work with when you are ready to start moving forward, you’re ready to set goals, you’re ready to put in the work and you’re ready to start moving forward. So I work with clients that are actually not even divorced yet that they are still in the process. The divorce is not quite finalized, but they are already mentally in that place where they’re ready to start putting their life together after the fact. And then I’ve worked with clients who been divorced for a year, it took them a while to go through that grieving process before they were ready to start putting in the work, so really it’s just those that they are ready to set those goals have some accountability and put in the work.
Victoria Rader [00:16:08] Hmm. And how does someone know that they’re ready? Is it just a desire that you’re describing or is there some indicator that a person would be looking for
Jasmine Rice [00:16:17] if you’re still living in the past or grieving that future that you’re no longer going to have that’s not going to be the time when you’re ready to work with a coach. So that’s when it’s a part of the process and it’s very natural and you should go through that. But if you’re still really focusing on the past and what you’ve lost or really you’re looking at the future that you are mourning because you’re no longer going to have it, that’s probably not the best place to work with the coach.
Victoria Rader [00:16:46] You know, I love that. I really love that. So he’s had a part of your recipe letting go of the past, so the future clears up. Tell us a little bit about that recipe. I’m really excited to learn about it.
Jasmine Rice [00:16:58] So the past is what makes us. It’s I actually say in my book, I dedicate it to everyone who’s been a part of my life, even those who are not a part of it anymore. Because everything that’s happened in my life, even those challenging moments have led me to where I am today. And the way that my book is written is each chapter is more or less a different ingredient for you as you are building this next chapter of your own life so you can again pick and choose. Just like a recipe, you can alter a recipe. However you need to, you can add extra spices to make it fit your needs. The same thing happens in life. You can pick and choose what’s going to work for you as you’re moving forward, and you can always change it up.
Victoria Rader [00:17:41] Beautiful. Now you guys know that, as always, you will have the link to Jasmine’s website, which is good. Things are going to come. Dot com, you’ll have that in the link to the show. And Jasmine, if somebody wanted to buy your book, would they find it on your website? Is there a link to it on your website?
Jasmine Rice [00:18:01] Yes, there is a link right on the main page that will take you to purchase it on Amazon or Barnes and Nobels.
Victoria Rader [00:18:08] Beautiful. So now that we kind of piqued an interest. Give us couple ingredients to whet the appetite. What would be, I guess, you know what? Or I’ll make it more specific in your work with clients. Where do you think people are stuck at the most already to get unstuck the most? What would be that first ingredient that most of your clients, you would say naturally tend to go for?
Jasmine Rice [00:18:32] Because the majority of my clients are going through a divorce it’s finding that relationship with yourself. So you’re ending a relationship with someone else and you’re mourning this relationship that you no longer have any more. Even if it was a divorce that you initiated or you wanted it, there’s still a mourning piece that goes along to that. But finding that relationship with yourself so many times in life, we’re focused on finding that relationship with another partner or the relationship we have with our children that we forget to have that friendship with ourselves and find out what that relationship looks like with ourselves. And so I have a whole chapter on relationships and that piece of that relationship with yourself being the most important.
Victoria Rader [00:19:16] Why do you think it happens? Why do you think we feel disconnected? Or maybe we’ve have never connected to who we are internally? Maybe we don’t know who we are. What do you think is a pattern responsible for disconnecting from who we are?
Jasmine Rice [00:19:29] I think it starts from the time that we’re young. You know, nature and nurture, and we’re raised again to have a partner. And so we put a lot of our time and energy into that many times and we start thinking about ourselves. Self-care is another chapter that I have in my book and self-care. When you have kids or when you’re married, it’s often viewed as being selfish because you shouldn’t be taking care of yourself. You have other people, other relationships to focus on. But if you’re not taking care of yourself, you’re not going to be the best for those other relationships in yourself. So we need to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. You got to make sure that you are taking care of yourself or you’re not going to be the best for those other relationships you have.
Victoria Rader [00:20:11] Love that. Now, I understand that a person who comes out of that circumstance might be a little bit timid to enter into a new relationship. How do you bridge that?
Jasmine Rice [00:20:25] This is very personal. You know, it’s a very personal, and I wish there was again a one size fits all, but there’s not. I think that your gut, your heart, your head, it’s going to let you know when the time is right for that. Some people might want to start dating immediately following a divorce. Maybe that’s part of their healing process, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Others might want to wait a while because it feels too quick. Oregon, they’ve been with only one person for a very, very long time. But I think you just need to listen to yourself. Don’t let other people tell you that all you should just get back out there and start dating again if you don’t feel like the time is right. But if you go on a date and then you feel like it wasn’t the right time, it’s OK. You don’t have to keep dating again. It’s just so personal and individual to each person.
Victoria Rader [00:21:14] And I find often that we mirror the relationship we have had. We either use that relationship to do anything to not have it. If it’s a very dysfunctional relationship or a lot of us subconsciously actually mimic it. So how would you say your upbringing had an influence on your marriage?
Jasmine Rice [00:21:33] Well, my parents were divorced and my father raised my siblings and I, and he worked a lot to take care of us, which is very admirable. But he wasn’t around a lot. And so I think looking back again, I didn’t know this at the time, but part of what that relationship looked like with my ex-husband was he was a caretaker me. And so because I didn’t really have a strong parent, my father or my mother around, I was looking for that and I didn’t really know that at the time. And so that played into what I wanted in a relationship with someone who was taking care of me. And not that I didn’t have a job and not that I wasn’t successful myself, but he was very fatherly, I think, in the way that he cared for me and the divorce when I started finding out who I was and finding out who I really wanted to be and all those little pieces of me. It changed the type of partner that I was looking for moving forward.
Victoria Rader [00:22:32] So I have a question if somebody who, let’s say, has not had a role model of a healthy relationship and then, you know, have gone through a trying period of kind of learning the hard way, where do I go? Where does a person like that find a relationship they want to create? What would be your advice?
Jasmine Rice [00:22:51] Well, there is a amazing book out there. Gary Chapman wrote it. The five love languages and it talks about what’s important to you. And so you know that I think before you enter into a relationship, everybody should read his book because it talks about how you need to be loved. What’s important for you? But then also how you love other people as well. And it doesn’t have to be the same. You don’t have to find somebody whose love languages are exactly the same as yours. But knowing what yours are, I think, can be very, very beneficial when you’re entering into a relationship and then finding out what your partner’s love languages are. So you also know how to show them the type of love they need as well.
Victoria Rader [00:23:32] Now, I think it’s brilliant. You know, I’ve been married to my husband for 26 years and about 20 plus years ago, whenever the book first came out, I read that book, and if you guys haven’t read the book, the five languages that Jasmine is talking about is the words of our affirmation, the quality time, physical touch, gifts and service. Those are the five. And I remember reading, and a lot of things made sense because my husband’s languages were gifts and verbal affirmation, and mine was quality time and physical touch. And so he would bring me trinkets from China, and I’d be like re gifting or selling them on eBay. And I’m like, I have no use for trinkets, right? A very loving thing to do. Anybody would thrive that. So I think it’s a brilliant, brilliant advice. You know, I think it’s very deep and very brilliant. Now I know that you also have some kind of a little gift that you offer on your side, a free e-book. What is that e-book about and where can all listeners find it?
Jasmine Rice [00:24:30] Yes, it’s available on my website, the things are going to come BCom, and it is called seven self-care tips that you should be doing. But art and it also is written for people who are going through some challenging times in their life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be divorce, it can just be other, other challenging times when we put self-care on the back burner. Because self-care, when you google it, it tends to be something that’s luxurious, like a massage or a facial, which are wonderful forms of self-care. But self-care also can be taking a shower and brushing your teeth when you’re having a hard time. So it’s looking at self-care from a very different perspective, so it doesn’t overwhelm you. So you can make sure that you’re adding self-care into your daily routine.
Victoria Rader [00:25:15] Now, Jasmine, in your personal journey, what are some of the steps of self-care that you’ve taken to have recovered beautifully and being an inspiration to? Others that are going through this trying time.
Jasmine Rice [00:25:27] Well, the first chapter in my book is probably what I would recommend for everybody, and it’s breathing. And it’s not just breathing to stay alive, it’s really taking that deep breath in and letting it out. I can’t tell you how many times I did this, and it really helps me. I talk about it in my book and how physically it actually can help calm your body. But I would say that that is number one is just breathing because you can do it anywhere and it’s for free and doesn’t cost you anything. You can do it when you’re driving in the car, just when you’re stressed at work, taking a second away to take a really deep breath. I usually try to do three to four really deep breath and then exhaling them out. But I would say that that’s number one. And then I would say this is a very different one, I think, than you would find on the internet when you’re looking at self-care. But laughter, laughter is an amazing form of self-care in medicine and healing. And I talk about that in this book. It’s something I didn’t do enough in my life, and I tried to make sure that I’m laughing every single day.
Victoria Rader [00:26:29] I absolutely adore that. I think, you know, we are so trained to justify being silly and being happy and laughing. It’s like, if you’re not laughing you or what a laughing idiot. It’s like, No, no, no, we should justify the struggles. We got a laugh. You know, we were created to have joy. So beautiful. While I hope, I hope that somebody who’s listening today who just needed to take a breath is taking that breath and then is going to your website to get that beautiful gift that you’re offering. I think those seven steps are just a very generous and beautiful gift, so thank you now. Absolutely. I always kind of ask these three questions towards the end of the podcast. I want you to think of going through your life, and it might be during the divorce. It might be during marriage. It might be even before then. I want you to think of kind of a darker moment in your life or when you needed encouragement the most. And as you think of that moment, I want you to imagine that you go to yourself at that moment. And what would you tell yourself?
Jasmine Rice [00:27:33] Hmm. That’s a great question. I can picture the moment and I would give myself a hug, and I would say it’s going to be OK. It’s going to be OK.
Victoria Rader [00:27:43] Most empowering words I think anybody can hear right now. It’s going to be OK and now want to go to Jasmine 20 years from now. And she’s fabulous. And what is this that good things are going to come is now like a global presence company because good things have come. And what does that Jasmine have to tell you?
Jasmine Rice [00:28:04] You did it. And what that means to me is I’ve been able to help people. And that’s really, really what I’ve gone into is because I want to be able to help people. And in 20 years, I really hope I’ve helped a lot of people
Victoria Rader [00:28:16] beautiful, beautiful. And finally, if there was just one message or quote or story that you want our listeners to remember you by. What would that be? What would be your final message to all about the voice?
Jasmine Rice [00:28:30] This is something that I said to myself very early on in my divorce, and I say it to myself probably every single day. It’s the way that I end all of my blogs. It’s in my book many, many times at the end of each chapter and I say, You got this.
Victoria Rader [00:28:47] Oh, I love this. So this story, you guys, is you got this. It’s going to be OK. And 20 years from now, you and Jasmine, we all did it. Jasmine, thank you so much for beautiful time, your beautiful spirit. And I think a very empowering and healing advice.
Jasmine Rice [00:29:06] Thank you so much for having me.
Victoria Rader [00:29:09] This was Jasmine Rice empowering us to believe in good things ahead. To claim your free self care e-book or to buy Jasmine’s book, create your own life recipe after divorce.